Here’s some things I have noticed about manhood.
At a website for the "Nation of Men", I found a piece of ‘humor’ written to explain to ‘real’ men the nuances of color. (I know I may be already losing some, because ‘real men’ wouldn’t use a word like ‘nuance’, but stay with me). The writer explains that real men don’t know about color. Real boy only need the eight-pack of crayons, for example. The only reason that real boys would want the Crayola 64-pack is for the sharpener.
Really? My manhood is in question because I colored with silver and scarlet?
I was in a grocery store the other day in a small town. Traveling, I had run out of deodorant and because I believe in society I decided to buy some, and the grocery was my best option in this small town. Among the selections were offerings from Mitchum.
Some asshole of an advertising man (see I can talk ‘man’ too), had come up with a new way to sell the product. Each bar of manly packaged deodorant (the men’s deodorant are manly colors. Most are ALSO wider than the women’s deodorant. They contain exactly the same amount, but ‘look’ bigger.
The Mitchum packages have tags on them:
“If the hardware store is your idea of shopping, you’re a Mitchum Man.”
“If your favorite vegetable is a corn dog, you’re a Mitchum Man.”
“If your socks almost match, you’re a Mitchum Man.”
“If you only see a doctor when something breaks, you’re a Mitchum Man.”
“If your ratio of lighter fluid to charcoal is 2:1 you’re a Mitchum Man.”
I went through the whole lot searching for one that said, “If you’re stupid enough to be impressed with these stereotypes, you’re a Mitchum Man," but I couldn’t find it.
Now in truth, some of the ‘Mitchum’ sayings do apply to me. There is such a thing as maleness and there is a sort of pride that many of us who are men take in it, even if we at a deeper level understand that some if it comes to us through often dubious culture, accidental genes. Some of it is stupid and kind of fun. Sometimes it harkens to some ancient useful thing for humankind.
But more than a little of it is stupid, and some of it is just straight up evil. Everyone has to watch out for that. To tell a boy that visual arts is not manly, to tell a man that he is not true to his type if he builds a fire without lighter fluid, to tell or communicate through advertising, or any other way, that "boys will be boys" with respect to abuse of women or anyone else, these things are oppressive. They are socially wrong. And they are bad for humans that identify as male too.
They put us in boxes. They destroy our creativity. They socialize us to be the quiet victims of social pressure, which turns into economic, political, and sexual pressure. They teach us to not ask too many questions or to get out of our places. They destroy our spiritual lives and limit our options. They teach us to laugh and and oppress gay brothers who God made just as much as God made us, and from whom we can learn.
They put us in boxes. They destroy our creativity. They socialize us to be the quiet victims of social pressure, which turns into economic, political, and sexual pressure. They teach us to not ask too many questions or to get out of our places. They destroy our spiritual lives and limit our options. They teach us to laugh and and oppress gay brothers who God made just as much as God made us, and from whom we can learn.
My youngest grandson’s favorite color is pink (or maybe its fuscia, but the "Nation of Men" has warned me that I couldn’t be the judge of that!). And, my daughter insist on letting him wear the bright pink stocking cap of his dreams. My latests grandson likes painted nails, of it seems any color. (Of, it seems any color. And you know what I say? I say God bless these parents for going a place that older generations were afraid of! (And why, at long last, is this even an issue?)
There is such a thing as being a man. But its not about the colors we like, or the matching up our socks. nor even about the kind of non-abusive sex we have. Its about freedom, about the courage to struggle and challenge, about the search for dignity and the desire to defend our community, and about deep, deep love. And, by the way, it is not exclusive to men, nor does it make men superior in any way to others. It is a connection, in fact, with all that is human. It is an answer to human need and longing, not a suppression of it in someone else or in ourselves. Its the kind of thing that comes in all colors and all-sizes.
Sometimes, it starts when a boy child has the guts and desire to wear a pink hat to grade school, or to paint his nails, or to take his baby doll to show and tell. Sometimes children need parents who will have the courage to let them do these things and defend them when necessary.
For myself, I put the Mitchum deodorant down, picked up a bottle of rubbing alcohol for a buck, (which works as well without the smell), and stalked out of the store.
* (I wrote this while on a road trip in 2009. Thankfully the article about colors seems to have been removed from the Nation of Men's website , and I haven’t seen the Mitchum ads for awhile. Perhaps they are out of business. I put this piece away, hoping it was no longer relevant. Apparently I was very, very wrong about that).
